Outcast

When I was younger I was pretty much a loner.

Ive never been one that's had LOTS of friends, Ive never even had ONE really close friend.

I guess I can kinda count The Hubs... but we had a strange friendship.

We were close, but not like typical friends. We had a weird friendship.

Maybe that's a story for another day... who knows.

I'm not sure I even make a good friend anyways.

I'm awkward, I'm shy, and to some, that comes off as snobby.

I don't know how to talk to people, sometimes I don't know what to say and am too quiet...

Other times I am nervous and ramble and say stupid things.

And other times I am loud obnoxious and even tactless.

I'm weird, I'm awkward, and sometimes I like being alone.

It's better than feeling judged.

It's better than trying to pretend to be something or someone I'm not, just to fit in.

For a long time I felt like no one really got me.. 

In high school I was always sad.

Not always outwardly. To most people I was known as a very happy person.

But really I was lonely, I felt like an outcast... A total social outcast.

I never hung out with "my own" friends... because I didn't really have any!

Don't get me wrong, its not like there weren't people who were a friend to me, 

or that considered me a friend. But I never had what I felt like were my OWN friends.

I hung out with my sister and HER friends.

I also hung out randomly with different groups on different days.

But I never really knew where I belonged, or where exactly I fit in.

I didn't feel, really, like I fit in anywhere.

Maybe I was just an over-dramatic teenager....

Or maybe it was just because I didn't even know who I was enough to know where I was supposed to belong?

Maybe it was because I was in-between trying to define myself by God and by man or worse "A man".

The thing is, even now, I don't have many close friends...

Even now I don't have any of MY OWN friends.. they are all The Hubs friends or their wives.

Even now I am close to my sisters, and THEY are my real best friends.

But the difference is that NOW, now I know who I am!

I know that I am still shy, awkward and different, but I am ok with that.

 I am a CONFIDENT woman of God and I am Happy!
I have Joy now.

I of course mess up constantly... I am still sometimes loud obnoxious and totally tactless.

But I am TRYING! Everyday I strive to be a better person.

I have found myself in God. And he has shown me so much of who I am.

He has blessed me with so much.

Its had been exciting to discover who I am and branch out using the talents He has given me.

Like in Church, singing on the worship team, and through this blog and my shop,

and even in being a Momma (which I always said I would never be!) and a wife.

****UPDATE****
I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful responses to this post.
I was nervous about posting this, but am so glad I did.
Its nice to know I am not alone, and also to know I was of some help to others.
I wanted to update this, though, with a few verses that I find helpful on this subject of being an "outcast".
Matthew 5:11-12 (New International Version)

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Romans 12:2 (The Message Version)

"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Read the NIV version {here}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, so I wanted to also share this song I've been listening to a lot.

I feel like its totally a "me" song.

It reminds me of myself... feel like I could've written it. 

Like, it pretty much describes a mixture of myself now & my high school self.

Its a pretty cool song and I am actually working on it to sing maybe in church or next years Christmas CD.

Read the lyrics while you listen to the song (video posted at bottom of this post!).

Since I can remember
Guess I've been a problem
Never had a filter
Never been the popular one
To sugarcoat what I know is undeniable
I just can't hide it
I wear it like a letter

Everywhere I go
Everyone is talking
I can feel them staring
They hope I'm just pretending
And giving up my power
Caving into pressure
I'm not living for them
I live for something better

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
I will stand my ground
And be an outcast

So what if I'm an outcast
So what if I'm an outcast

So what if I don't look the
Part I'm supposed to play
What if I don't follow
All the rules they make
They think I should be perfect
They love it when I mess up
No grace in case I blow it
A good girl shouldn't need it

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
I will stand my ground
And be an outcast

So what if I'm an outcast
So what if I'm an outcast
So slow and everybody's so fast
So what if I'm an outcast

I try to play nice
I don't want to fight
But I won't be gray
When it's all black and white
'Cause what I believe
Is what makes me strong
If I don't belong
I'll hold on to love

I try to play nice
I don't want to fight
But I won't be gray
When it's all black and white
'Cause what I believe
Is what makes me strong
If I don't belong
I'll hold on to love

So what if I'm an outcast
So what if I'm an outcast
So slow and everybody's so fast
No matter what it costs
I'll be an outcast

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
Imma stand my ground
And be an outcast

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
And let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
I will stand my ground
And be an outcast

Much Love & Hugs,