Saturday, January 14, 2012

Outcast

When I was younger I was pretty much a loner.
Ive never been one that's had LOTS of friends, Ive never even had ONE really close friend.
I guess I can kinda count The Hubs... but we had a strange friendship.
We were close, but not like typical friends. We had a weird friendship.
Maybe that's a story for another day... who knows.


I'm not sure I even make a good friend anyways.
I'm awkward, I'm shy, and to some, that comes off as snobby.
I don't know how to talk to people, sometimes I don't know what to say and am too quiet...
Other times I am nervous and ramble and say stupid things.
And other times I am loud obnoxious and even tactless.
I'm weird, I'm awkward, and sometimes I like being alone.
It's better than feeling judged.

It's better than trying to pretend to be something or someone I'm not, just to fit in.
For a long time I felt like no one really got me.. 
In high school I was always sad.
Not always outwardly. To most people I was known as a very happy person.
But really I was lonely, I felt like an outcast... A total social outcast.
I never hung out with "my own" friends... because I didn't really have any!
Don't get me wrong, its not like there weren't people who were a friend to me, 
or that considered me a friend. But I never had what I felt like were my OWN friends.
I hung out with my sister and HER friends.

I also hung out randomly with different groups on different days.
But I never really knew where I belonged, or where exactly I fit in.
I didn't feel, really, like I fit in anywhere.
Maybe I was just an over-dramatic teenager....
Or maybe it was just because I didn't even know who I was enough to know where I was supposed to belong?
Maybe it was because I was in-between trying to define myself by God and by man or worse "A man".

The thing is, even now, I don't have many close friends...
Even now I don't have any of MY OWN friends.. they are all The Hubs friends or their wives.
Even now I am close to my sisters, and THEY are my real best friends.
But the difference is that NOW, now I know who I am!
I know that I am still shy, awkward and different, but I am ok with that.
 I am a CONFIDENT woman of God and I am Happy!
I have Joy now.
I of course mess up constantly... I am still sometimes loud obnoxious and totally tactless.
But I am TRYING! Everyday I strive to be a better person.
I have found myself in God. And he has shown me so much of who I am.
He has blessed me with so much.
Its had been exciting to discover who I am and branch out using the talents He has given me.
Like in Church, singing on the worship team, and through this blog and my shop,
and even in being a Momma (which I always said I would never be!) and a wife.

****UPDATE****
I just wanted to say thank you for the wonderful responses to this post.
I was nervous about posting this, but am so glad I did.
Its nice to know I am not alone, and also to know I was of some help to others.
I wanted to update this, though, with a few verses that I find helpful on this subject of being an "outcast".
Matthew 5:11-12 (New International Version)
11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. 12 Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.


Romans 12:2 (The Message Version)
"Don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You'll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you."

Read the NIV version {here}
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Anyways, so I wanted to also share this song I've been listening to a lot.
I feel like its totally a "me" song.
It reminds me of myself... feel like I could've written it. 
Like, it pretty much describes a mixture of myself now & my high school self.
Its a pretty cool song and I am actually working on it to sing maybe in church or next years Christmas CD.
Read the lyrics while you listen to the song (video posted at bottom of this post!).
Since I can remember
Guess I've been a problem
Never had a filter
Never been the popular one
To sugarcoat what I know is undeniable
I just can't hide it
I wear it like a letter

Everywhere I go
Everyone is talking
I can feel them staring
They hope I'm just pretending
And giving up my power
Caving into pressure
I'm not living for them
I live for something better

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
I will stand my ground
And be an outcast

So what if I'm an outcast
So what if I'm an outcast

So what if I don't look the
Part I'm supposed to play
What if I don't follow
All the rules they make
They think I should be perfect
They love it when I mess up
No grace in case I blow it
A good girl shouldn't need it

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
I will stand my ground
And be an outcast

So what if I'm an outcast
So what if I'm an outcast
So slow and everybody's so fast
So what if I'm an outcast

I try to play nice
I don't want to fight
But I won't be gray
When it's all black and white
'Cause what I believe
Is what makes me strong
If I don't belong
I'll hold on to love

I try to play nice
I don't want to fight
But I won't be gray
When it's all black and white
'Cause what I believe
Is what makes me strong
If I don't belong
I'll hold on to love

So what if I'm an outcast
So what if I'm an outcast
So slow and everybody's so fast
No matter what it costs
I'll be an outcast

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
Imma stand my ground
And be an outcast

I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
And let me tell you what
I know who I am
So just throw me out
For not fitting in
I will stand my ground
And be an outcast



Much Love & Hugs,

14 comments:

  1. I definitely have been there, girl...in fact, sometimes I feel like I'm still there. Even with a re-newed life in Christ, He cannot take away the memories...but He will use them to heal someone else. Thanks for sharing <3

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  2. Oh beautiful Maria. I wish there was something I could say, :( I do know how you feel, I can only imagine that everyone has felt like that at some point, only most people would probably not admit it, even to themselves.

    Can I just tell you that you had the MOST AMAZING beautiful HAIR in all those pics. (Has nothing to do with the post) but dang, just beautiful mama.

    From all the time I've gotten to know you, I can say that I adore you, and if there is such a thing as a TRUE friend, (even if you've never met) I know you are one too me. I have no doubt that if we ever meet each other, we will indeed be AWESOME FRIENDS.

    Love you girl.

    Bella :)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you so much Bella. I feel the same about you! I've found that I have more true friends in the blogging world than in real life actually! :)

      And my hair. :) Thanks! All these pictures are of me from HIGH SCHOOL!! lol And I had VERY long hair back then.... I never cut it all through high school. I miss my long hair.

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  3. I teared up reading this... Because I was that person too. I'm still socially awkward and shy! But I really admire you and look up to you. You helped me and showed me the way when I was this little noob on the internet. When I have a problem or a frustration with my shop I don't feel like there's anyone I can really talk to because they don't know what it is I'm going through. I know how you feel, but you're still super awesome :)

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  4. I have been there too! Im liking that song!!

    new follower

    livelaughloveandeverythinginthemiddle.blogspot.com

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  5. In high school, I did have many friends. I look back and think, "What was I thinking?!" Those who I thought were my friends, weren't true to me. They told me what they thought I would want to hear. I always left parts of me out of my friendships. They didn't really know the whole "me" since I was afraid to BE who I was. I'm fun, loving, crazy, honest, kind, and loyal.

    My true friends? I didn't find them until I graduated.

    They were always there to talk with me, and were honest with me. They didn't candy coat anything, they were real with me.

    B. He was my true friend. I felt comfortable around him, and never was afraid to let him know about my entire life. I wasn't afraid to be honest with him.

    Thanks for sharing this. I don't have many friends around, since I'm a momma and they aren't. I don't go to clubs, I don't go out of state just to camp. I would rather be home with my best friends... my babies.

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  6. You are so lovely and brave. Thank you for your honest and open post. I've always had one or two really close friends, that are my secret keepers.
    Will will know your true friend when they still love you after your worst.
    I'm a new follower. You are so inspiring, and I think if we met in person we would be friends.
    I admire you and think you are super talented...
    Hang in there, friends come in all shapes and sizes and sometimes surprise you.
    Megan

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  7. I think you're a lot more "normal" than you you think. At least, I can relate to much of what you wrote since I was and still am much the same way. In certain circumstances I have confidence and appear to have it all together, but other times I'm still that shy, socially inept, awkward person that just wants to feel included. I think it's a lifelong growing process.

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  8. Maria my dear you have hit it on the head once again. I knew we had a connection that went beyond my love you and your children. I too was that person in school. I actually did not drink or do drugs in the 70s. I still feel like the outcast in my own family because of my faith. Thanks for the reminder that it is ok to stand strong in what we believe. I love you guys

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  9. Hi. Ive been a follower of yours and your post caught my eye because i have a 20 year old daughter who is exactly the person you describe. I dont know how to help her make friends. Girls never gave her the chance to get to know her in high school thinking she was a snob and she didnt put herself out there either. Now she is away at college and still has the same problem. She is always by herself and it breaks my heart daily. I wish i had words of wisdom for both of you, but i dont. I make friends easily so i dont know what its like. Both of you girls are so beautiful and im sure you are smart just like my daughter, i just people could see through the shyness. I wish you luck on your journey sweetie.

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  10. Thanks for sharing this and that song! I started playing the song on my computer and my son, who just started middle school, said - Hey, that's how I feel sometimes. And we started talking about life and friends and fitting in. Thanks so much for being so open and sharing! xo, Reannah

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  11. I have been there and at times i'm still shy & quiet! Thank you for sharing! :)

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  12. Beautiful post! I feel like I just read a description of myself. I can completely relate to you, I feel like that is part of the reason why I started blogging... to relate to to others, feel supported. Thanks so much for sharing this :) I have come to believe that the most important relationship truly is the one we have with ourselves, it's the basis to all things in our lives. Hope you had a wonderful weekend!

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  13. I'm awkward, I'm shy, and to some, that comes off as snobby.

    THE EXACT WORD TO DESCRIBE ME!! omg im not alone :))

    Dlyn

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Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your thoughts with me!

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